homesickness

Just came through quite the case of homesickness.... the biggest case since back in September when i had the malaria scare.

My friend Kasper and I were ruminating today.... since he has left holland and given up his apartment and his fancy job and everything to come to the Himalayas, with no imminent sign of returning.........we were wondering: can one get homesick when one has no home? we decided that yes, you would still get homesick for your homeland, if you got homesick at all.

I do, i DO get homesick. as much as i ache to travel and move around the world when i stay in one spot too long, i equally ache to return to that spot after awhile. its natural. I'm surprised it took this long actually. To feel this.

I think its a tiny bit ludicrous to feel homesick. It's a bit irrational i say, when you think of how badly I wanted to come to India. .... and now i'm here

I guess I've done well.... it has been 8 months afterall, that i've been here without feeling homesick, and i DO have a wonderful set of friends and family at home to be homesick for, and a beautiful city to miss, beautiful lavender hills at sunset and snowy mountains in winter. So i guess its not totally non-sensical, by any means. I have enjoyed my time here to the fullest possible for sure, and it is a good sign that i am beginning to feel ready to come home, a good sign.

I meet quite a few people from Europe and the West and even Japan who just quit there jobs and said "enough of this crazy treadmill, i'm going to India to see what else there is out there". I guess with the economy how it is, there is no better time to throw up one's hands. But its alot of people giving it all up to hit the road, or the mountains, whatever the case may be.

It's really heating up, the weather. How will I make it till june? by hiding out from the hours of 10am to 5pm, that's how. a significant chunk of the day. But i will get up earlier for my meditations, ruminations and yogaiations, ablutions etc. (what ARE ablutions anyways?) The evenings are so gorgeous and starry.

i will stay one more week, until the 20th i think, in rishikesh, and then i will pack up all my belongings and begin to head closer to delhi. one step closer to flying home. There i will stay the remainder of april and all of may, in an ayurvedic medicine course there, near haridwar, at my other ashram. Man i can't stop thinking about how hot its going to be, man,..... 45+ degrees, here we come! Summer in Kamloops is gonna feel like a walk in the park in comparison

i taught my last class at Anand Prakash today. I have been so delighted with teaching but i am astounded at how much energy it takes. How much energy it takes to do it well. And i can tell when it works, when the class is good, because in the end, its like the bodies are dead, they don't want to come out of corpse pose, really, they stay till the last possible second and then when we all chant together to close the session, our voices are perfectly all harmonized together. today was a particular case of that and it was beautiful. it was only 7 people. 3 had never ever even practiced yoga before! it was their very first class. But by the end they were all chanting perfectly like champions in complete unison and harmony with the rest. This hardly ever happens. Often there are a couple notes of discord, the sound is not quite right, its a little off, or whatever, and that is normal. Even in my teacher's classes, the final chanting doesn't always come together so beautifully, especially with new students or unfamiliar people, but sometimes it just does come together in the most magical beautiful way, and the sound, as it resonates, brings tears to my eyes, of all these souls, these strangers from different countries, russia, japan, holland, belgium, canada, all unified in voice. It is beautiful. for a moment, we are one.

So i have a love affair with teaching, but i also find it an enormous stress, because i find i am so attached to the positive outcome. I crave so badly for it to be a good class everytime. ... i want it to be perfect every time, that i way stress myself out about it. i am way too intense and put too much pressure on myself. It is a large responsibility, requiring so much energy output to do it right. I am relieved about it today, to have a break. To have taught the last class for now. I taught two weeks and it was a great experience. Now I feel like I need to build my energy up even more, so i am not depleting myself so much.

But i was so proud of them, even the beginners, balancing poses today like advanced students. it was amazing. Teaching is such a dynamic sport.

well, what else.

homesickness,

daddaadada.

that's it, i'm drawing a blank.

oh, if anyone wants to put their order in for Indian clothes, handicrafts or goods, they better do it now, because the shopping begins next week.

lots of love always,

ang